Tuesday, May 11, 2010

How'd that get there?

My sister is always telling me that I carry the most random things with me.  (You mean you don't carry salad tongs and pliers with you?) OK, I'll admit, I do carry things that most people don't typically tote around with them, but I never thought my belongings were unusual until now.

I pulled into the corner store for a fill up and while the gas was pumping, I took advantage of the opportunity to discard of some of the trash that was rolling around in the floor boards.  At first it wasn't anything out of the ordinary.  But as I started paying attention to what was being tossed from the car, I realized that my sister was far more correct about my possessions than I thought.

On this particular day, the following items could be found in my car:
  1. 1 Styrofoam cup - I love Styrofoam.  It is my one act of defiance against this whole "green" revolution.  (Sorry Kristy)
  2. Random dead fries - You know, the ones that fall between the seat and the console as you try to shove them in your face as you're zipping down the freeway.
  3. A boat load of bev naps - Thanks to Carrabba's, I have a lifetime supply of those little napkins.
  4. An empty packet of gum - Ooh, I could really go for a piece of that right about now.  I've got some kung fu breath...it's kickin'.
  5. Numerous bottle caps and wine toppers - Because I was too lazy to throw them away at work, I just threw them into my apron pocket which then resulted in taking up residence in my console.  I wonder if Bottle Cap Alley is looking for any donations?  (There's a good bull reference to all you Aggies out there.)
  6. Crayons...or rather what's left of them - Humph, yet another thing I was too busy to throw away at work.  Who knew the pocket on your apron could be your very own grab bag?  Did you know that when crayons melt, the wax separates from the coloring agent?  At least the cheap ones do anyway.
  7. 1 can Dulce de Leche - Well, that can't be good.  A can of milk plus the blazing Texas sun makes for one can of nastiness.  How did this get into my car anyways?
  8. 3 "We heart our customers" dry cleaning hangers - I used to carry these around back in high school because my friends and I were notorious for locking our keys in our cars.  Now that we're grown up and have AAA, I have no idea why I keep these.
Don't judge me.  Let's take a looksie at what's rolling around in the floor boards of YOUR car why don't we?  Yeah.  That's what I thought.

And Mom, I know it sounds like it, but my car is NOT a trash can on wheels.  I wouldn't exactly call it  "Mom Clean" or anything, but it's relatively neat on the inside.  You raised me well.  Now, my purse on the other hand...we'll save that for another day.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Please, Mister Postman

Dear Mailman,

While I appreciate you delivering the mail each day, keeping me abreast of the worldly goings-on with my magazines, bills, political propaganda, etc.  Can we just talk about your creepiness for a minute?

I've seen you in the cul de sac. Standing there, scanning the neighborhood as you "nonchalantly" fill up the mailboxes.  I purposely don't go down to the mailbox when you are there.  Frankly dude, you freak me out...and let me tell you why.
  1. You've told inappropriate jokes to my sister.  REALLY inappropriate jokes.  Do you kiss your momma with that mouth?
  2. If I happen to be outside in the front yard, you hollar at me while you drive by.  Calling me by name.  I don't know you dude.  Please don't give me a shout out as you speed past.
  3. I saw you stop and take a drink out of the neighbor's sprinkler.  Eewwww!  A- It's not a garden hose.  B- It's an automatic sprinkler system, not an oscilating sprinkler little kids run through...not that that makes it any less weird.  Besides, shouldn't you carry water or something in that mail truck of yours?
  4. You stand on the edge of the porch and toss our packages at the door.  Hard.  Like, with everything you've got.  Is it a game for you?  Perhaps you should check into being a paper boy since you seem to dig throwing parcels.  I would have people label packages "fragile" but I think that just might encourage you to come closer to the house and take a little snoopsie.
  5. Plaid shirts and overalls...dude.  NOT a good look.  I realize you're old but c'mon already!  Put a pitchfork in your hand and some hay in your mouth why don't you? 
Sooo, next time, maybe just fill up the mailboxes and scadoodle on out of our neighborhood.  No snooping, no dawdling, no joke telling, no drink breaks.  Get in, get out, get on with your life. 

Mmkay?  Thanks.

Monday, May 3, 2010

You don't say?

19 Things You Should Never Say to a Single Person. 

I ran across this article not too long ago.  I found the list to be quite amusing.  I've had every single one of these said to me at some point in my life.  Some more than others. 

I thought I would share with you thing the things that immediately came to my mind as I read each one. 

It happens when you're not looking.
- Sooo, I'm not supposed to be looking?  Well crap.  All those years, wasted.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
-  Have you been in that sea lately?  I would use the term "fish" quite loosely.
So, why are you single?
-  Ah yes.  The infamous question.  Because I love being alone, having no one to share my days with, having conversations with myself.  Um, perhaps it's because the last guy that came along tore my heart out of my chest, tossed it in a blender then looked at me and said, "What?  Oh that was YOUR heart!  Whoops."
You're too picky.
- Please, by all means tell me how much I suck because I have standards and morals.  Just because I'm not going to settle for Dutch Oven Dan or Belching Barry doesn't make me picky, thank you very much.
You'll find the right person for you.
-Really?  How am I supposed to find him when I'm not supposed to be looking?
He's out there.
- Do not make me punch you.
It's just bad timing.
- Yes, because something so petty as timing is why we didn't work out. 
Just have fun with it.
- My biological clock is ticking.  The time for fun ran out a long time ago.
Have you tried online dating?
-Blink. Blink.  Yeah.  Thanks to our friends at creepymccreeperson.com, I met a guy that was 5'3" 300 pounds and stuttered.  But he sure thought I was purty...
He just wasn't the right guy for you.
- Thank you Captain Obvious.  Whatever gave you that idea? 
Well, when Steve and I first got together...
- Do not make this all about you, okay?  The next time I hear the words "Steve and I" they will be followed by the words "met our maker today."
When the time is right you will meet someone.
-  Really...tell that to my uterus.
Wow!  I wish I were single and in your shoes.
- If I had a dollar for everytime someone said those words to me...  It isn't all roses and daisies like you think it is.  Believe me.
Your turn next.
-  Yeah, you have to say that because I was the ONLY single girl at the wedding to throw the bouquet at. 
It will happen when you least expect it.
- Don't.  Don't even go there.
Some guy is going to come along and ruin your career/life plans.
-  Well, great.  My life has already been ruined once, and you're telling me it's going to happen again?  Now there's a cherry on top of my crap pie. Yes!
But you're so pretty! Why don't you have a boyfriend?
- Do not sass me.  Backhanded compliments worked in the 5th grade, not now.
It just wasn't meant to be.
- No kidding.  Do you have to be so smug?
Sure, Steve rescues kids from abusive homes, donated my sister a kidney, and picks up fresh flowers daily for me on his way home from work, but will he quit it with the sports on TV already?
- Who the hell is Steve because I would like to personally thank him for raising the bar so freakin' high for the Mr. Maybe's out there.  Thanks a lot, you jerk. I think I'm going to go play with razor blades or something.