Monday, May 3, 2010

You don't say?

19 Things You Should Never Say to a Single Person. 

I ran across this article not too long ago.  I found the list to be quite amusing.  I've had every single one of these said to me at some point in my life.  Some more than others. 

I thought I would share with you thing the things that immediately came to my mind as I read each one. 

It happens when you're not looking.
- Sooo, I'm not supposed to be looking?  Well crap.  All those years, wasted.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
-  Have you been in that sea lately?  I would use the term "fish" quite loosely.
So, why are you single?
-  Ah yes.  The infamous question.  Because I love being alone, having no one to share my days with, having conversations with myself.  Um, perhaps it's because the last guy that came along tore my heart out of my chest, tossed it in a blender then looked at me and said, "What?  Oh that was YOUR heart!  Whoops."
You're too picky.
- Please, by all means tell me how much I suck because I have standards and morals.  Just because I'm not going to settle for Dutch Oven Dan or Belching Barry doesn't make me picky, thank you very much.
You'll find the right person for you.
-Really?  How am I supposed to find him when I'm not supposed to be looking?
He's out there.
- Do not make me punch you.
It's just bad timing.
- Yes, because something so petty as timing is why we didn't work out. 
Just have fun with it.
- My biological clock is ticking.  The time for fun ran out a long time ago.
Have you tried online dating?
-Blink. Blink.  Yeah.  Thanks to our friends at, I met a guy that was 5'3" 300 pounds and stuttered.  But he sure thought I was purty...
He just wasn't the right guy for you.
- Thank you Captain Obvious.  Whatever gave you that idea? 
Well, when Steve and I first got together...
- Do not make this all about you, okay?  The next time I hear the words "Steve and I" they will be followed by the words "met our maker today."
When the time is right you will meet someone.
-  Really...tell that to my uterus.
Wow!  I wish I were single and in your shoes.
- If I had a dollar for everytime someone said those words to me...  It isn't all roses and daisies like you think it is.  Believe me.
Your turn next.
-  Yeah, you have to say that because I was the ONLY single girl at the wedding to throw the bouquet at. 
It will happen when you least expect it.
- Don't.  Don't even go there.
Some guy is going to come along and ruin your career/life plans.
-  Well, great.  My life has already been ruined once, and you're telling me it's going to happen again?  Now there's a cherry on top of my crap pie. Yes!
But you're so pretty! Why don't you have a boyfriend?
- Do not sass me.  Backhanded compliments worked in the 5th grade, not now.
It just wasn't meant to be.
- No kidding.  Do you have to be so smug?
Sure, Steve rescues kids from abusive homes, donated my sister a kidney, and picks up fresh flowers daily for me on his way home from work, but will he quit it with the sports on TV already?
- Who the hell is Steve because I would like to personally thank him for raising the bar so freakin' high for the Mr. Maybe's out there.  Thanks a lot, you jerk. I think I'm going to go play with razor blades or something.

1 comment:

  1. Yeah, ticking uteruses are annoyingly loud.