Please, Mister Postman

Dear Mailman,

While I appreciate you delivering the mail each day, keeping me abreast of the worldly goings-on with my magazines, bills, political propaganda, etc.  Can we just talk about your creepiness for a minute?

I've seen you in the cul de sac. Standing there, scanning the neighborhood as you "nonchalantly" fill up the mailboxes.  I purposely don't go down to the mailbox when you are there.  Frankly dude, you freak me out...and let me tell you why.

1. You've told inappropriate jokes to my sister.  REALLY inappropriate jokes.  Do you kiss your momma with that mouth?
2. If I happen to be outside in the front yard, you hollar at me while you drive by.  Calling me by name.  I don't know you dude.  Please don't give me a shout out as you speed past.
3. I saw you stop and take a drink out of the neighbor's sprinkler.  Eewwww!  A- It's not a garden hose.  B- It's an automatic sprinkler system, not an oscilating sprinkler little kids run through...not that that makes it any less weird.  Besides, shouldn't you carry water or something in that mail truck of yours?
4. You stand on the edge of the porch and toss our packages at the door.  Hard.  Like, with everything you've got.  Is it a game for you?  Perhaps you should check into being a paper boy since you seem to dig throwing parcels.  I would have people label packages "fragile" but I think that just might encourage you to come closer to the house and take a little snoopsie.
5. Plaid shirts and overalls...dude.  NOT a good look.  I realize you're old but c'mon already!  Put a pitchfork in your hand and some hay in your mouth why don't you? 

Sooo, next time, maybe just fill up the mailboxes and scadoodle on out of our neighborhood.  No snooping, no dawdling, no joke telling, no drink breaks.  Get in, get out, get on with your life. 

Mmkay?  Thanks.